I don’t think I’ll edit this one much, as I just want to speak honestly. I always overthink posts like this until I inevitably give up on them, and it’s important that I talk about what happened. Even now. Even if no one reads it.

I keep wondering how so many people try again and again for kids after loss. Their healing seems to be more effective than mine, especially the earlier they decide to try again. Granted, mine was not a result of love between two happy people and maybe that makes a difference, but it’s been years since I miscarried my little one. I lost her in October, so October’s are hard. Mother’s Day is hard. Everyday is hard. But this October is cold, and I’m not even home. I am so far away, dealing with family problems that make it all the more challenging.

I just think I must be doing something wrong. That I am broken, miserable, unlucky, something. I’m doubting that my inherent inability to let hard things go will ever get better, because I keep trying. I am always trying, and I don’t want to try any more. I want to be normal. I want to compartmentalize my pain and move on from the things that hurt, but how does one get over something this big? All I see is her. I don’t even know what she looks like, because she was too small and there was so much blood and everything hurt. I still see the blood, still feel the pain, still feel her inside me somehow. I dream about her all the time. How do I stop dreaming about her? Thinking about her? Missing her and the girl I could’ve known, if life had been a little kinder.

All I wanted was to be a mother, until I lost her. Until I started taking care of other people’s kids and pretending that that was enough. I don’t know if I can do the parenthood thing now, but every year I have less time to figure it out. Every year I get older and feel even younger. I want to want it like I used to, but I can’t do any future children I may have a disservice by simply hoping for the best.

How do families get through it and try again, after knowing this pain? How do they do it so quickly? I’ve seen families try 5 or 6 times before it works out, and they’ll wait just a few months between.

I don’t judge them for it – I envy them. I don’t even think they feel it less than I do, but they must have something figured out that I don’t. And from what I’ve seen, my reaction is not the norm. Most people miss their baby and can still have another. They can still enjoy parenthood.

There’s not much of a point to this except to illustrate how hard child loss can be. How grief isn’t linear and it doesn’t look the same on everyone. People don’t talk about it much, and people don’t want to hear about it much, so here it is. Somewhere, at least.