Learning lessons, expectations,
Inevitability of your own design.
I’m left to rot inside
This tower of my making, stretching to the pale blue sky.
A place I call home just because it’s the only place left
Within a whole world gone to ruin
In the aftermath of spectacular underachieving.
I fear
I’m overdone;
I fear.
I’ve overstayed
A welcome I believed had no time limit.
Faceless friends, taken at face value.
Taken from my wrathful claws.
My merit in question.
Pull me behind you, I dare.
Tease and cull
The side character
In a sordid tale
Told by the heroes
Who walked - who cheered - before war was won.
I fought dragons
For everyone else
And I returned to scorched lands.
I ran,
Never for the sake of bravery, but for the sake of someone I loved.
Something made of gold.
I love, I love, I love
Until it forgets me.
Until I become a feather caught in the wind,
No one left to catch me.
I found myself shouting into a void,
Then sprouted wings out of sheer necessity.
I’d have chased after me, if I were her.
I’d have waited
Those precious moments.
But I believe in the childlike stories
Everyone else moved on from.
I whispered in the dirt, hope and other antics;
The kind of love that gives back. Fights. Stays a while.
For so long I played a fool holding a dying thing, praying it would take any other shape.
I nestled into my pillows each night
Content in the dreams I could conjure.
I sat lonely at my window,
Praying long after I was told that no one could hear it.
Becoming blasphemous enough to worship at a makeshift alter
Exposed in my most desperate hour. I knew it’d wreck my eternity,
So I told her I’d never let her go,
And all I have left is truth.
The silence that followed was poison in my wine.
Her chalice sat untouched as I swayed to her steady rhythm.
I swayed,
And I forgot,
And I remembered the emptiness I liked to alter.
My stories were small. My dreams were simple.
I still thought them interesting.
But I held her hand while she held a mirror;
A maiden in distress masquerading as a well-weathered knight
Holding me hostage
So long as I was convenient enough to play pretend with.
I jumped
When I no longer served her purpose.
I jumped
Because I had to find my new home.
Dregs of innocent desire dug my grave as I tucked in my wings.
Vines bound my ankles to earth on impact.
I tasted dirt again
And every desire rose to the surface
As I begged for new life.
So I transcend solemnity,
All because I wanted to be real.
To be permanent.
To be chosen.
Tag / friendship breakup poem
Burning at Both Ends
We were a spark of life.
You said you found solemnity here,
Like you could build a home
Between my crumbling walls.
Your serenity was a candle held
To my racing thoughts.
I’m losing
You in a permanent sort of way.
I think I’ve been lagging behind all year.
Your memory is failing.
The peace we once held in knowing no limits.
The naivety of girlhood.
We were a spark I can’t ignite now.
Warm, cozy,
A fan meeting its flame.
Burning at both ends.
Should I mimic a girl that’ll keep you alive,
Or let your love wane?
Unedited Poem #1
The Shallows
Few words, handwritten,
A few words in imagination
Rewriting history and rewiring heads
She molded herself unrecognizable
Brand new being, brand new self
For the sake of never being known by the ones she once knew
Notions anew, and urges finally followed through
She takes me with her, one handed
Heart changing in a haven of her own time
Time so forgiving, for her own mind
Time forgotten in me - I’m stuck in past lives
Still sitting on a picnic blanket, a bible in shared hands
I was lost once too, until she found me there
Read me for what I was and loved me for it
Years gone by the wayside
Familiarity upon first encounters
Unmistakable familial ties, tied in unison
We were tangled together
But she unravels before my eyes
Satisfying the temporal; temporarily hostile
The promises made just for fun
But I didn’t know it was just for fun
I didn’t know then what I fear now
Illuminated understanding in what I never could see
Crossing fingers in far off places
I whisper wishes she can’t hear
Pray to a god she’s forsaken; a God I don’t ask for anything
But I’m begging for forgiveness in the honesty
I’m begging, as my voice shakes
A life once loved already faded, still on the line in it’s entirety
She talks to her friends and I’m so unjust
She talks to her mom, who says she can do better
Attempted salvation; a lesson in futility
I go unheard and slip through the cracks
Waiting, though I’m not sure for what
Waiting, for a reality long passed
A past in the making
Keep it small, keep it sweet
Sparkler
I’ve been barefoot all summer
Grass stained knees from chasing after you
Warm breeze, ash on the ground
Love so quick, watch it fade
Forget all about me
As new lights illuminate your dark sky
It’s exciting, isn’t it?
It was so exciting when I was still bright
So exciting to light me up
And blow out my flame
You left me there, used up
Useless to you now
Dew-stained and formerly pretty
I was alight, a few minutes ago
Slow Endings
We had big ideas and bigger plans;
Pinkie promised days to come. Future exploration.
I learned what hope feels like.
She learned what acceptance can be.
Lives lived like one long day at the county fair
Counting every second
On an unending uphill ride,
Hands to the sky.
Her head’s full of new ideas, though,
And her hands are getting heavy.
I’ve been so lonely here,
A grownup among grownups. No one to play with.
Nothing left to dream of when I’m already living the dream,
And she’s heading off in the opposite direction.
What can I do in the face of change?
When her world is a fork in a highway
And I’m a little house on an empty cul-de-sac.
I built the bridges and stayed in our hometown
Just to love her through the changes.
To love her in reality
While she was loving the potential.
She loved, because I loved. Not for the sake of being lovable.
A life almost lived, unweaving with the clock.
Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve
Hanging in the balance; hanging over my head
Because I didn’t know
I was the most worthwhile during the chase.
A promise not to be fulfilled, but the thrill of pretending.
I didn’t know I was placing bets on temporary living
When she handed me a deck of cards.
Pretty faces, pretty promises, shiny new toys.
They don’t mean a damn thing,
But who am I to say such awful things?
Who am I, if I get mean?
Small house, left unchecked. Small house,
In a small town,
Made for small-minded people, I suppose.
That’s what she tells me anyway.
I was a kindred spirit setting her world aflame,
Back when her world was looking dim.
Back in time, when a match was much harder to find.
Why do I play the old damp campfire, while she still burns?
Snuffed out spark to a forest fire, raging
And distant
And ever-hungry.
She can wander and stray, but she won’t forget my name.
Only who I tried to be,
And what I looked like from the outside.
False perception,
The convenience during hardship,
Confidence-builder.
She’s leaving soon, but she’s been going all year.
Knowledge of inevitability doesn’t make what’s coming any easier.
Her picture fading into the horizon doesn’t hurt any less.
Mind drifting; my presence loses significance.
Do I keep playing, now that I know it’s a game?
Future becomes fantasy before my eyes -
A story made up as we go -
To placate the impossibilities between us.
Masquerading grand notions I’ve learned were just that:
Too grand, too big to wrestle with now.
I’ve been so lonely here, darlin’.
I’ve been so lonely missing you
Before you’re even gone.
Gabrielle Mclean 