When generational tithes come to a close,
Death would be the kinder option...
But death did not come in time
For the willow to wilt
And the remains of my patience to disintegrate.
It was not death that took her.
Rather, it was the will to no longer pay
A debt never owed.
It was not lessons taught from love and care,
But the lessons I earned out of spite.
I would rather spend my remaining life knowing what it’s like
To be whole,
Even as I become this year’s gossip.
I’ll be deemed cruel for letting her fend alone;
My behavior unusual.
Call me selfish because it’s all so unfortunate
That I couldn’t see clearly.
I can endure it -
That distant hatred
Born of ignorance.
I can, because no one looked
As she floated to the surface
With my head still underwater.
No one saw the hand that held me there.
Hunters, gatherers, onlookers;
All they saw was the thrashing.
The big gasp for air
That only arrived because the neighbors tilted their heads.
They didn’t - they won’t - know what happened.
Moments pass and the little things get forgotten
As I get called dramatic for reacting,
Or a liar for bringing it up again.
I am the daughter
Of the least favorite daughter
Of a forgotten daughter.
There are things we simply don’t mention.
At least my children will never know
The beast all my mothers neglected.
Tag / Poetry
Evacuation Route
Hurricane’s coming;
Mama drives in the dark.
Black rain, porch lights, a neon sign.
A bar, packed. Spilling into the street.
Harley’s line the curb,
Wolves, salvation.
Church after church after church -
White and empty. It’s not praying hours.
Tragedy arrived in sudden succession,
But it’s no quick death.
My life has been prep work; I don’t go down easy.
The whipping winds,
The swaying, the shakes, the unbecoming.
Outrun the worst of it.
Heavy hands came and went. They claimed us both.
Ripped the shirt from my back,
My hair’s come undone.
Love is a holy thing.
Brutal to the very end.
Grief
Unedited Poem #3
When you feel like you’re merely tolerated, but you can’t stop yourself from trying. Just in case.
A Plummet Toward The Forgiving Ground
Learning lessons, expectations,
Inevitability of your own design.
I’m left to rot inside
This tower of my making, stretching to the pale blue sky.
A place I call home just because it’s the only place left
Within a whole world gone to ruin
In the aftermath of spectacular underachieving.
I fear
I’m overdone;
I fear.
I’ve overstayed
A welcome I believed had no time limit.
Faceless friends, taken at face value.
Taken from my wrathful claws.
My merit in question.
Pull me behind you, I dare.
Tease and cull
The side character
In a sordid tale
Told by the heroes
Who walked - who cheered - before war was won.
I fought dragons
For everyone else
And I returned to scorched lands.
I ran,
Never for the sake of bravery, but for the sake of someone I loved.
Something made of gold.
I love, I love, I love
Until it forgets me.
Until I become a feather caught in the wind,
No one left to catch me.
I found myself shouting into a void,
Then sprouted wings out of sheer necessity.
I’d have chased after me, if I were her.
I’d have waited
Those precious moments.
But I believe in the childlike stories
Everyone else moved on from.
I whispered in the dirt, hope and other antics;
The kind of love that gives back. Fights. Stays a while.
For so long I played a fool holding a dying thing, praying it would take any other shape.
I nestled into my pillows each night
Content in the dreams I could conjure.
I sat lonely at my window,
Praying long after I was told that no one could hear it.
Becoming blasphemous enough to worship at a makeshift alter
Exposed in my most desperate hour. I knew it’d wreck my eternity,
So I told her I’d never let her go,
And all I have left is truth.
The silence that followed was poison in my wine.
Her chalice sat untouched as I swayed to her steady rhythm.
I swayed,
And I forgot,
And I remembered the emptiness I liked to alter.
My stories were small. My dreams were simple.
I still thought them interesting.
But I held her hand while she held a mirror;
A maiden in distress masquerading as a well-weathered knight
Holding me hostage
So long as I was convenient enough to play pretend with.
I jumped
When I no longer served her purpose.
I jumped
Because I had to find my new home.
Dregs of innocent desire dug my grave as I tucked in my wings.
Vines bound my ankles to earth on impact.
I tasted dirt again
And every desire rose to the surface
As I begged for new life.
So I transcend solemnity,
All because I wanted to be real.
To be permanent.
To be chosen.
Burning at Both Ends
We were a spark of life.
You said you found solemnity here,
Like you could build a home
Between my crumbling walls.
Your serenity was a candle held
To my racing thoughts.
I’m losing
You in a permanent sort of way.
I think I’ve been lagging behind all year.
Your memory is failing.
The peace we once held in knowing no limits.
The naivety of girlhood.
We were a spark I can’t ignite now.
Warm, cozy,
A fan meeting its flame.
Burning at both ends.
Should I mimic a girl that’ll keep you alive,
Or let your love wane?
Unedited Poem #2
Unedited Poem #1
The Shallows
Few words, handwritten,
A few words in imagination
Rewriting history and rewiring heads
She molded herself unrecognizable
Brand new being, brand new self
For the sake of never being known by the ones she once knew
Notions anew, and urges finally followed through
She takes me with her, one handed
Heart changing in a haven of her own time
Time so forgiving, for her own mind
Time forgotten in me - I’m stuck in past lives
Still sitting on a picnic blanket, a bible in shared hands
I was lost once too, until she found me there
Read me for what I was and loved me for it
Years gone by the wayside
Familiarity upon first encounters
Unmistakable familial ties, tied in unison
We were tangled together
But she unravels before my eyes
Satisfying the temporal; temporarily hostile
The promises made just for fun
But I didn’t know it was just for fun
I didn’t know then what I fear now
Illuminated understanding in what I never could see
Crossing fingers in far off places
I whisper wishes she can’t hear
Pray to a god she’s forsaken; a God I don’t ask for anything
But I’m begging for forgiveness in the honesty
I’m begging, as my voice shakes
A life once loved already faded, still on the line in it’s entirety
She talks to her friends and I’m so unjust
She talks to her mom, who says she can do better
Attempted salvation; a lesson in futility
I go unheard and slip through the cracks
Waiting, though I’m not sure for what
Waiting, for a reality long passed
A past in the making
Keep it small, keep it sweet
Sparkler
I’ve been barefoot all summer
Grass stained knees from chasing after you
Warm breeze, ash on the ground
Love so quick, watch it fade
Forget all about me
As new lights illuminate your dark sky
It’s exciting, isn’t it?
It was so exciting when I was still bright
So exciting to light me up
And blow out my flame
You left me there, used up
Useless to you now
Dew-stained and formerly pretty
I was alight, a few minutes ago
Gabrielle Mclean 